Itchy Sweater Season: Navigating the Space Between Who We Were and Who We've Become

The holiday season approaches! 

A magical time when many of us are asked to do the impossible: attend a myriad of events, each with a homemade dish to pass, a smile on our face, and somehow do it all while wearing clean clothes. Not only that, but we are expected to appear well-rested and ready to answer questions about why we haven’t gotten married yet, or how work is going over and over until it becomes a well rehearsed script that we can say while simultaneously thinking about how itchy our sweater is. 

Alternatively, for some of us, the holiday season feels quiet and empty. Perhaps we’re far from family, missing loved ones who are no longer in our lives, or navigating changes in relationships that make gatherings more complicated. Instead of festive chaos, there can be a sense of absence, and the pressure to feel joyful, or grateful, can feel impossible to meet.

And on top of it all lingers the nagging question: Why does it feel like this? 

The answer to this question can be complicated. As we grow older, our families grow and change too. Siblings move away, parents age, new partners are introduced to the family, and old dynamics subtly shift to accommodate. But it often seems as if the holidays never quite catch up. Someone is missing, or someone new is there, and instead of being in the present moment, we find ourselves remembering versions of holidays that no longer exist. 

Yet it's not only memories of past holidays that are stirred up, but also versions of ourselves we thought we'd outgrown. These gatherings often activate early relational patterns, pulling us back into old roles that conflict with who we are now. Even if we've done years of work to become who we are today, our bodies hold onto these old patterns, responding to familiar dynamics as if we never left.

So what does this mean? 

It means you're not failing if the holidays feel hard and you're not ungrateful if you need a little space from the festivities. You're human. And you're navigating something genuinely complex: holding space for who you were, who you are now, and who your family still sees when they look at you. This is hard work! 

So, this holiday season, perhaps the kindest thing you can do is give yourself some grace ahead of time, and remember that you’re allowed to build a holiday season that reflects who you are becoming, not just who you were. 

And if the sweater is itchy, you're allowed to take it off. Literally and metaphorically.

Written By: Emma Wondra