Imagine yourself driving to your next event, whether it's a concert, a Bears game, or anything in between. You calculate the drive time, add extra time to walk to the venue, and, of course, enough time to make a pit stop at the concession stand. As you drive to the venue, you suddenly realize something I think most people can relate to: you didn't set aside enough time to find parking. It might have been something you kept in mind originally, but when you arrive, you see all the parking spots are filled, and you are left circling the block for what feels like an eternity, trying to find somewhere to squeeze your car in. When you finally park, you feel a sigh of relief that almost immediately fades as you remember the rest of the plan you had in mind, so you rush over to the venue. On your way there, you negotiate what needs to be sacrificed: Do I need to skip the concession stand? Maybe I should start a quick jog? Maybe it’s okay to skip the first few minutes?. All these questions leave your mind rattled and your heart racing; you try to keep enjoying the day, but a nagging feeling lingers. Why couldn’t the day work out the way I originally planned?
This time of year, we gather together with family, both immediate and extended, for numerous holiday gatherings. Often we go through the same mental ordeals to ensure everyone has a smooth day and everyone can focus on enjoying the holidays with one another. We might obsess about the seating arrangement as we think, “Uncle Joe can’t sit next to Uncle Buck, or they’ll just be arguing the whole day”, “I need this meal to be perfect, or I’ll never hear the end of it from my in-laws, “ or “I want to show everyone how much I care for them and the holiday season, so everything needs to go to plan”. We plan and tinker to ensure that the day, evening, or whole holiday season plays out exactly as we had planned. Yet, no matter how much we try, Uncle Joe and Uncle Buck will find each other while we’re distracted cooking and start one of their countless arguments that goes nowhere and sours the mood. And despite the time and effort placed into planning the event, there will inevitably be that one family member who feels their mashed potatoes were too mushy.
In all these instances, we depart from the idealized plan we set for ourselves and others. We ask, “Why couldn’t everyone behave?” or “Why didn’t things go to plan?” This is a common response as we look to find the culprit that threw our plans awry. We often create these plans to limit discomfort, because part of us may have learned that any level of discomfort is unacceptable. In these moments, the answer may not lie in external sources that didn't stick to the plan we had in mind. While we look for quick solutions and wish families would behave differently or that the city would build more parking structures, an alternative is to look inward. We may begin reflecting on why discomfort seems to pull us out of the moment, and why we fall into these “all-or-nothing” mindsets. As people, we crave predictability because it provides a sense of safety, and at some point we may have internalized the belief that any deviation from the plan is dangerous and spoils something much greater: our sense of self and the way we see the world. Therapy can be a space to engage with these ideas and begin building greater mental flexibility, helping us feel more confident confronting challenges or shifting our expectations so we feel more prepared when things do not go according to plan. Through therapy, we might be better able to tolerate those moments of discomfort and stay in the present so that next time Uncle Buck and Uncle Joe fight, or all the parking spaces are filled to the brim, we can continue our day without that weight on our shoulders.