Mom, I’m Bored. What should I do?

When was the last time you had a free afternoon that you were genuinely looking forward to, only to find yourself feeling anxious, disappointed, or guilty once it arrived? Maybe you had been imagining all of the things you could do with the time: go for a walk, read a book, exercise, run errands, do a craft, or finally tackle that thing you've been putting off. But then, when the time finally came, having so many possibilities and no external structure to tell you what to do felt much more uncomfortable than you expected.

As kids, boredom was painful, torturous even, and it was often something we had to figure out how to tolerate by ourselves. Many of us at one time or another fell for the age-old trap and asked our mothers for input, saying “Mooooom I'm bored, what should I do?”, only to be given any number of unpleasant tasks to complete around the house, and regretting ever saying anything. So left to our own devices, we had to find something to occupy our time. 

As adults, we often think we should have moved beyond this discomfort, since we are the ones in charge. But having control over it doesn't always make it easier. Many of us still find that open, unfilled time can feel just as distressing now as it did then.

The relationship that we develop with unstructured time as children can often follow us to adulthood, impacting how we relate to rest, play, and productivity. Whether or not we were encouraged to engage in play, challenged to be creative with our time and resources, or expected to always be productive can shape how we relate to those things now. However, it’s not always as simple as what we were or weren’t allowed to do. We also have to navigate the tension between what we’ve learned we should do and what we actually want or need.

As adults, it’s common to defer to our mother’s voice inside our heads telling us that we have to clean our rooms before we can have ice cream. We might have learned that rest has to be earned, or that our worth is tied to what we produce. It can be surprisingly difficult to give ourselves permission to do something simply because we want to. Even our leisure activities can become another opportunity to accomplish something. We read to finish a certain number of books. We exercise to reach a goal. We take up hobbies and immediately start thinking about how to get better at them. Even self care can become a task. 

But the part of you that wants to play, explore, or simply do something because it feels good is still there, and when all of our unstructured time is used to be productive or responsible, that part can get pushed aside. Over time, this can reinforce feelings of restlessness, guilt, shame, or anxiety.

Both parts, the adult and the child, have something important to say, but we often let one drown out the other instead of allowing them to negotiate. Many of us weren’t taught how to help them take turns.

So how do you intervene? 

It can be helpful to approach boredom, or unstructured time, as an opportunity to connect with a part of yourself that might need to be heard, without shame or blame. 

Maybe the adult part does need to do some dishes or call the dentist. Or maybe the child in you needs to make something, play something, or just let your mind wander. Can they develop a relationship with one another that involves trust and mutual respect? 

So maybe the question isn't “What should I do?”

Maybe it is actually, “What do I want to do?” Or, if that’s hard to answer, “What part of myself needs to be seen right now?”

And if you find yourself struggling to answer, know that you’re not alone. It’s hard work getting to know all the parts of yourself, even harder to figure out what they are all saying, and impossible to make them all happy. Be gentle with yourself. You might not need to ask Mom anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always know what to do.